Welcome to the downright despicable world of Vince Vortex & the Cucumbers. We've dined out on the back of some serious talent for the past twenty years, performing the most unoriginal material from the worlds of punk, ska, rock, indie and so-called brit-pop.
Never mind the bollox, now it's time to bring our brand of mayhem into the 21st century with this sold-out drivel of a Vince Vortex and the Cucumbers website. Please believe us when we say this wasn't our idea, pish! Demand has led us to the conclusion that you lot can't/won't/are too f*cking stupid to get your arses out of your sagging IKEA slumber machines to find out what we're about. So we have, under some serious duress, brought you Vince Vortex & the Cucumbers online!! Oh joy! It's a f*cking good job that some other mugs have got the time to put this site together instead of filling their skinny arses with proper beer from a proper pub.
Have a nose around, check out the gigs page to find out when we're playing (it helps us when punters turn up, we get paid), maybe bring some friends, we don't mind if they're a bunch of c*nts, we still get paid!
So much more in 2008, it's f*cking shameful, the same old pubs, same old crowd, all of you muppets and dirty beer! For f*ck sake! What does it take to get some fresh talent into Maidstone's drinking holes?? The band, it's members and associtates are just about shallow enough to not give flying monkey's elbow about you and your retro-led tight arsed jeans and shirts ripped up by your muvvas who just about remember being fi*gered in the back of one of our motors 20 years ago...
Anyway, 2008 is already getting full up with your favorite local being monopolised by Vince Vortex and the Cucumbers. Filthy words, broken standards and an overwhelming sense of anarchy that surpasses the bullshit of you and your tiny lives. In fact, don't bother, f*ck the lot of you, we'll get by on our own, don't come to our gigs, don't worry about your twatty friends at work telling you how great we are, f*ck 'em and f*ck you... we still get paid. Oh, and thanks for listening, see you soon, you c*nts!
 
   
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